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Nebraskas offense
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- Thread starter The Other Dave
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1HuskerDad
Heisman Winner
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1HuskerDad
Heisman Winner
- Messages
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A guy with a speech slur walks into a nut shop. The guy who owns the shop has a huge nose.
Guy with the slur says: how much for that bag of peanuts.
Big nose guy: they’re $15/pound
SS: damn! That’s too expensthive
SS: how much for the bag of walnuts?
Big nose: them are $17/pound
SS: Got damn! That’s too expensthive
Well this place is too expensthive for me. I just want to say thank you for not making fun of my slur.
Big nose: no problem, have a great day and thanks for not making fun of my nose!
SS: stops dead in his tracks. That’s your got damn nose? I thought it was your dick bc your nuts are so high.
Guy with the slur says: how much for that bag of peanuts.
Big nose guy: they’re $15/pound
SS: damn! That’s too expensthive
SS: how much for the bag of walnuts?
Big nose: them are $17/pound
SS: Got damn! That’s too expensthive
Well this place is too expensthive for me. I just want to say thank you for not making fun of my slur.
Big nose: no problem, have a great day and thanks for not making fun of my nose!
SS: stops dead in his tracks. That’s your got damn nose? I thought it was your dick bc your nuts are so high.
Last edited:
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A young boy goes up to his father and says, "I need help with my homework, I have to explain the difference between the words potentially and realistically."
"Okay," says the father. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the mailman for $1 million. Then go ask your sister the same question."
The boy comes back, "they both said yes."
"Great," the dad said. "So potentially we're sitting on a couple million dollars, but realistically we're living with a couple of whores."
"Okay," says the father. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the mailman for $1 million. Then go ask your sister the same question."
The boy comes back, "they both said yes."
"Great," the dad said. "So potentially we're sitting on a couple million dollars, but realistically we're living with a couple of whores."
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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A group of nuns are talking about their upcoming day in the convent. One reminds the others that the blind guy would be stopping by.
A couple hours later one of the nuns is taking a bath. She hears a knock at the door, “who is it?”
“It’s just the blind guy,” the gentleman responds.
“Oh go ahead and come in.”
He walks in, walks to the bathroom window to start hanging the blinds, looks back toward the tub and says “this will just take a few minutes. Nice Tits”
A couple hours later one of the nuns is taking a bath. She hears a knock at the door, “who is it?”
“It’s just the blind guy,” the gentleman responds.
“Oh go ahead and come in.”
He walks in, walks to the bathroom window to start hanging the blinds, looks back toward the tub and says “this will just take a few minutes. Nice Tits”
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A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are driving down the highway.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
what did Doc tell Martha when she yelled “Bingo!” at the bingo hall?
nothin, he shit his pants and was wiping it down in the restroom.
nothin, he shit his pants and was wiping it down in the restroom.
Relatable.
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Asian couple own a restaurant together and are going thru a rough patch.
Husband goes out, gets drunk, and hits up the strip club.
He comes home late horny as shit and starts screaming "I want 69" repeatedly.
Wife screams "You expect me to make you Kung Pao Chicken at 2am?!”
Husband goes out, gets drunk, and hits up the strip club.
He comes home late horny as shit and starts screaming "I want 69" repeatedly.
Wife screams "You expect me to make you Kung Pao Chicken at 2am?!”
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A midget with hairlip goes to a ranch and wants to buy a horse.
As he walked in the rancher says “what can I help you with”
Midget goes “ I want to buy a howse”
Rancher goes “you want a male or female?”
Midget “id wike a female howse”
Rancher takes him over to the horses.
Midges goes those are some nice wookin howses, can I see her eyes”
The rancher picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.
Midget: those are some healthy wookin eyes, can I see her weeth?”
Rancher getting annoyed picks up the midget and shows him the horses teeth.
Midget: those are some good wookin weeth. Can I see her twot?
Rancher: excuse me what?
Midget: can I see her twot
So the rancher picks up the midget and jams his head between the horses back legs and sets him down.
Midget: I should wephwase, can I see the howse twot awound the twack a wittle.
As he walked in the rancher says “what can I help you with”
Midget goes “ I want to buy a howse”
Rancher goes “you want a male or female?”
Midget “id wike a female howse”
Rancher takes him over to the horses.
Midges goes those are some nice wookin howses, can I see her eyes”
The rancher picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.
Midget: those are some healthy wookin eyes, can I see her weeth?”
Rancher getting annoyed picks up the midget and shows him the horses teeth.
Midget: those are some good wookin weeth. Can I see her twot?
Rancher: excuse me what?
Midget: can I see her twot
So the rancher picks up the midget and jams his head between the horses back legs and sets him down.
Midget: I should wephwase, can I see the howse twot awound the twack a wittle.
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I was looking at a car the other day and the salesman says it will seat six people with no problems. I told him I don’t know 6 people with no problems.
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What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't make an enzyme.
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I'm going to Joe's place.
Joe who?
Joe mama.
Joe who?
Joe mama.
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I pulled this one on my wife during a trip a few days ago. Happened exactly like this comic, and she was so mad she didn't talk for probably a full minute.
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