Favorite Joke

[1HuskerDad]

 

[SoCal_Corn]

A man and a young boy are walking thru the woods as the sun begins to set.

The boy says: "These woods sure seem scary once it gets a little dark."

The man replies: "How do you think I feel, I'm gonna have to walk back out alone."

 

[slattimer]

One of my teachers in JH told this one. Corny dad joke and now I find it hilarious.

How do you catch a polar bear? You see, you go cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle some peas around. When the polar bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole….

And a Deez Nuts joke. If someone is telling about a place they stayed at, ask if they stayed in room 40. Room 40? Room 40 Deez nuts.

 

[God is a Husker]

The King of 1 liners.

“The only reason I get any women at all is because of who I am.”

Spoiler

a rapist

 

[LoudHogRider]

The King of 1 liners.

“The only reason I get any women at all is because of who I am.”

Spoiler

a rapist

 

[Jim14510]

A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was ending on a Saturday afternoon. He's walking out the door when he sees this old man in golfing clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER. She's covered in blood from a head wound and my friend he immediately starts looking her over right there in front of the entrance trying to find her wound.

Trying to remain calm he asks, "What happened here, sir?"

The husband is in a panic and exhausted from carrying her dead weight and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain. "Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we've played a round of golf together. You see her dad was the local golf pro..."

"Sir, please try to focus here. How did she get injured?"

"Sorry. So I play from the men's tees and she plays from the women's and she normally drops me off in the cart and then heads up to her tees and waits for me to hit and I walk up."

"Sir!" My buddy's getting frustrated because he's really struggling to find the wound with the blood and is searching frantically at this point.

"I'm explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! And lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear Agnes' - Agnes is my wife here - head. I yelled 'Fore!' but she wasn't looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!" He just starts weeping at this point clearly overcome by guilt.

Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he's confused. "Sir, I actually see two injuries here."

The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, "Well I had to take a mulligan."

I'm probably gonna butcher this but it's golf related so it might land with your golf buddies.

An old man comes rushing into the emergency room holding an old woman bleeding profusely from her head. The doctor rushes over to grab the woman. All the blood made it hard to see the source of her injury.

"What happened?" he asked the man, trying to ascertain the situation.

"Well, uh, my wife and I have played golf together every Sunday for 40 years. We went out today like we usually do on Sundays but didn't get a cart like we usually do. It was nice enough to walk."

"Sir!" the doctor barks. "Tell me what happened to her."

"I'm getting there! Like I said we were out golfing and I'm gearing up for a drive on the 16th hole, a long par 4. Narrow fairway with a dog leg left so I..."

"Sir, tell me now what happened!"

"Well you see I hit from the men's tees, but my wife hits from the women's tees up front. She was standing up there while I teed off. 40 years and I've never hit a drive that thin. Hit her right in the head."

"OK...but sir, there are two wounds here..."

"...Doc I had to hit a mulligan."

Let's not duplicate jokes guys.

 

[1HuskerDad]

 

[Frogsker30]

iowas offense

 

[LoudHogRider]

Looking through some old e-mails I saved from a long time ago and I found this thread simply entitled "Tasteless Jokes". Judge for yourself below ...

************************
What do you call a kid with no arms and wears an eye patch?
Names

What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables?
Working around the wheelchair

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both love cracking open a cold one.

What did the girl with no arms or no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer

What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Bolt can finish a race.

I was asked how I view lesbians today.
I guess "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

What is the Jewish dilemma?
Free Ham

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a handful of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver?
Because she was a woman.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was harrvgtlewupxnsp

What does a blonde say after sex?
Who were those guys?


A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a bridge, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman says, "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

[djw004]

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts.

What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on a chin?

Nothing, because you've got A dick in the mouth.

 

[lee_carvallo_12]

A teacher walks in to sex ed class with a banana. He says, “class, today I’m going to teach you how to put on a condom…. And I have a hard time getting an erection on an empty stomach.”

 

[djw004]

A teacher walks in to sex ed class with a banana. He says, “class, today I’m going to teach you how to put on a condom…. And I have a hard time getting an erection on an empty stomach.”

We've got a winner.

 

[Jim14510]

A teacher walks in to sex ed class with a banana. He says, “class, today I’m going to teach you how to put on a condom…. And I have a hard time getting an erection on an empty stomach.”

Probably happened in Florida or California.

 

[Tell_Sackett]

I'll borrow a favorite from the dad joke thread on TMB...

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
... because they're really good at it.

Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
... because he wanted to hide in the apple tree.

How did Tarzan end up killing himself?

Spoiler

... pickin' apples

 

[1HuskerDad]

 

[1HuskerDad]

 

[SOHusker11]

Went to the doctor the other day.

Nurse needed a stool sample, urine sample and a sperm sample.

Gave her my underwear and left.

 

[thE kErnEl]

This is an old call and response joke that is still fun to tell.

What is the bird that represents freedom? The person should answer that it is the eagle.

What is the bird that represents wisdom? The person should answer that it is the owl.

What is the bird that represents love? The person should answer that it is the dove.

What is the bird that represents TRUE love?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The swallow.

 

[1HuskerDad]

 

[Black5hirt]

Kidding