Dating a woman with a kid

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

I feel like there might be one or two guys on here with experience, so I risk all my e-cred (none) by coming to you all. I've come across a fine lass who has captured my continued attention, but has the cutest 6 year-old daughter who seemingly already likes me after three meetings. I'm equal parts terrified by how easily I've gotten along with her daughter (she was grabbing my hand at the end of the first time I met her) and also how quickly she (the lass) introduced her daughter to me (2nd meeting/date). To get ahead of the inevitable, no, I haven't defiled mama yet, but she's asked her friend if she was ever afraid of her husband, a relatively large Italian, if "she could breathe while making love" (I was an OL in high school and in life, she's a tiny Chinese girl...understandable concern haha). All signs point toward sexy time, but the kid and being connected with her is weirding me out a bit. I leave it to the rest of you for guidance and proper shitposting. TIA.

 

[Johannes de Silentio]

I'm writing this before reading anything, but I'll come back and actually check to see if I'm wrong:

BAD IDEA.

 

[HCFord1]

Have you previously decided whether you'd eventually want children?

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

I'm writing this before reading anything, but I'll come back and actually check to see if I'm wrong:

BAD IDEA.

I feel like if I was in the U.S., it would be 100% nope. Like I wouldn't have even posted this. Cultural differences are the only reason I'm entertaining the thought, to be honest. Ok, and other things...

 

[Tyneb23]

I married a woman who had a 5 year old when we met. She had her shit together and is an ICU nurse. If the woman is worth it jump in. If not RUN

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

Have you previously decided whether you'd eventually want children?

I love kids, but have never been dead set on having my own.

 

[Johannes de Silentio]

I feel like if I was in the U.S., it would be 100% nope. Like I wouldn't have even posted this. Cultural differences are the only reason I'm entertaining the thought, to be honest. Ok, and other things...

After having read the OP and thinking about you probably not caring as much about your BIOLOGICAL DOMINANCE as I might, I'm ready to amend my statement to:

TREAD CAUTIOUSLY AND HAVE FUN

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

I married a woman who had a 5 year old when we met. She had her shit together and is an ICU nurse. If the woman is worth it jump in. If not RUN

She's very clearly intelligent, driven (business-wise), and also an independent type. I am partial to independent types, which may or may not be why I'm not settled down at this point in life.

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

After having read the OP and thinking about you probably not caring as much about your BIOLOGICAL DOMINANCE as I might, I'm ready to amend my statement to:

TREAD CAUTIOUSLY AND HAVE FUN

Funny enough, most mixed Chinese kids have predominantly Chinese characteristics. I also have blue eyes. Recessive as fuck.

 

[SoCal_Corn]

At least you know they fuck...

 

[Johannes de Silentio]

Funny enough, most mixed Chinese kids have predominantly Chinese characteristics. I also have blue eyes. Recessive as fuck.

I have mixed kids with my Indian wife, but they're both white as fuck. Kind of funny how that turned out--never expected them to be this light.

As for the above, I was talking more about my lizard-brain instinct to only care for children that are biologically mine. I'm sure that's not actually how I'd be if things came to that with an adopted child, but I like to talk a big game on tPB.

 

[HCFord1]

I love kids, but have never been dead set on having my own.

But not dead set against it either?

My experience only comes through what I've learned from my best friend dating and then marrying a girl who had a 7 year old son at the time they met. He never wanted kids, so it surprised me when they got serious. From my observation, it gets serious FAST when kids are involved. He's happy though... the kid is in high school now and is frustrating to him, but that's part of the deal when it isn't your child. He wasn't there for the first 7 years and the kid's dad isn't involved in his life whatsoever.

 

[BushAK]

I've dated several women with kids. Once you get into your 30's it's kind of inevitable. Also, people pump out kids pretty quick here so it seems everyone has one. I had good experiences but the thing is, if the relationship doesn't work out, then that sucks because it's like losing 2 people.

 

[Johannes de Silentio]

But not dead set against it either?

My experience only comes through what I've learned from my best friend dating and then marrying a girl who had a 7 year old son at the time they met. He never wanted kids, so it surprised me when they got serious. From my observation, it gets serious FAST when kids are involved. He's happy though... the kid is in high school now and is frustrating to him, but that's part of the deal when it isn't your child. He wasn't there for the first 7 years and the kid's dad isn't involved in his life whatsoever.

Being somewhat more serious, what you're describing there is always what worried me the most about marrying a woman who had a kid that wasn't yours, especially if the kid had grown up some and had significant memories of his old dad or life without you. It just seems like there would be a non-trivial percentage of times where no matter how close you get with the mom and/or kid, you'd always feel kind of like a bit of an outsider in certain circumstances.

I know there are guys, and guys on here, who have made it work and have good lives. Maybe they've had completely different experiences than what I'm describing or maybe they've done it notwithstanding occasionally having those experiences. In any event, my hat is totally off to mixed families that truly succeed. Seems like there are more pitfalls there.

 

[jaihawk]

I married a mother of three. At the time we started dating, they were 11, 10, and 7. She was very cautious about me meeting her kids until things got serious between us. Honestly, that is how it should be. It's not fair to children to have people come in and out of their lives. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to eventually marry and become a father to this young girl. If you're response is "no" or I'm not sure, then you probably should end things with her. Her child isn't going anywhere, especially with her being young, so it's not a situation of "I can just bide my time".

Step-parenting is a very difficult, but very rewarding thing. You'll never be their biological parent, either to mom or to the kids. That's going to mean that you're going to have to have some tough conversations with mom at times about parenting or bite your tongue. It also means that you're sometimes going to get a level of attitude or disrespect that they wouldn't give to mom normally. Depending how involved the other parent is can also affect the dynamic.

At the end of the day, for me, I don't regret it one bit. I had always wanted to have children of my own. We chose not to go down that road together, given how old the kids were and my wife always asks me if I regret that decision. Honestly, I don't see our kids as anything but mine. I never think that they aren't biologically mine. There's been a ton of work that we've had to put in over the years to be a family, but man, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

But not dead set against it either?

My experience only comes through what I've learned from my best friend dating and then marrying a girl who had a 7 year old son at the time they met. He never wanted kids, so it surprised me when they got serious. From my observation, it gets serious FAST when kids are involved. He's happy though... the kid is in high school now and is frustrating to him, but that's part of the deal when it isn't your child. He wasn't there for the first 7 years and the kid's dad isn't involved in his life whatsoever.

Oh certainly not. I'd love to have a kiid/kids. Not sure how responsible it is, but that's a discussion for another topic. Nature be nature.

Yeah, I can definitely see that being the case, likely only exacerbated by the cultural situation (many Chinese are similar to uber-Christian types in the U.S. -- don't date unless marriage material). I don't completely get that vibe from this girl, but she also introduced me to her daughter on date #2. I get the vibe that she's just like "this is who I am/we are, take us or leave us from the jump" but not entirely sure. I don't feel any pressure whatsoever related to her daughter, but at the same time, it's like fuck, I'm developing a relationship with your daughter, as well as you...is this kosher?

For additional context, she's not exactly a FOB type...very internationalized, I'm far from her first non-Chinese pursuit (ex/dad of the daughter is Mexican).

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

I've dated several women with kids. Once you get into your 30's it's kind of inevitable. Also, people pump out kids pretty quick here so it seems everyone has one. I had good experiences but the thing is, if the relationship doesn't work out, then that sucks because it's like losing 2 people.

I hear ya...being 33, I've kinda expected to end up as a step-father, but this is really my first direct experience with it being a direct possibility (while still SUPER early). I think your last comment is what worries me the most. I'm sure this comes as a great shock to all of you, but I'm a fucking softie and the losing/letting down 2 people instead of just 1 is probably what worries me the most, especially considering the nature of expat life.

 

[HCFord1]

Oh certainly not. I'd love to have a kiid/kids. Not sure how responsible it is, but that's a discussion for another topic. Nature be nature.

Yeah, I can definitely see that being the case, likely only exacerbated by the cultural situation (many Chinese are similar to uber-Christian types in the U.S. -- don't date unless marriage material). I don't completely get that vibe from this girl, but she also introduced me to her daughter on date #2. I get the vibe that she's just like "this is who I am/we are, take us or leave us from the jump" but not entirely sure. I don't feel any pressure whatsoever related to her daughter, but at the same time, it's like fuck, I'm developing a relationship with your daughter, as well as you...is this kosher?

For additional context, she's not exactly a FOB type...very internationalized, I'm far from her first non-Chinese pursuit (ex/dad of the daughter is Mexican).

You probably have a lot of other decisions that will come into play as well. Primarily, where the fuck are you going to live 3 years from now? This situation is a bit more complex than your standard midwestern MILF dating.

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

I married a mother of three. At the time we started dating, they were 11, 10, and 7. She was very cautious about me meeting her kids until things got serious between us. Honestly, that is how it should be. It's not fair to children to have people come in and out of their lives. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to eventually marry and become a father to this young girl. If you're response is "no" or I'm not sure, then you probably should end things with her. Her child isn't going anywhere, especially with her being young, so it's not a situation of "I can just bide my time".

Step-parenting is a very difficult, but very rewarding thing. You'll never be their biological parent, either to mom or to the kids. That's going to mean that you're going to have to have some tough conversations with mom at times about parenting or bite your tongue. It also means that you're sometimes going to get a level of attitude or disrespect that they wouldn't give to mom normally. Depending how involved the other parent is can also affect the dynamic.

At the end of the day, for me, I don't regret it one bit. I had always wanted to have children of my own. We chose not to go down that road together, given how old the kids were and my wife always asks me if I regret that decision. Honestly, I don't see our kids as anything but mine. I never think that they aren't biologically mine. There's been a ton of work that we've had to put in over the years to be a family, but man, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Much appreciated, man, especially since I've been a bit shitty to you in the last few days. Sincere apologies on that.

I agree on the timing aspect, which has me most concerned, but at this point, I'm chalking that up to the culture. Maybe that's just me making excuses because I really like this girl (so far...definitely has her warts, but I do, too). I think I'm most scared about how cool(?) if felt to have her daughter grab my hand at the end of the first time meeting her. Terrifying! Some real verklempt shit.

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

You probably have a lot of other decisions that will come into play as well. Primarily, where the fuck are you going to live 3 years from now? This situation is a bit more complex than your standard midwestern MILF dating.

Ha, yeah...midwestern MILFs were easy...in myriad ways. And yeah...THAT question haha. If I had my druthers, Japan