Almost 1 in 5 believe they could beat a chimp in a fight…who’s the retard on the board?

[hothouse_corn]

First, about the chimp: I'm certain I could befriend it and teach it sign language. But I need to learn sign language first, so give me some time to prepare.

Second, Are you more confident in defeating a single 1x-scale chimp, or four 1/4-scale chimps? It seems like it would be hard to befriend four at a time and keep their attention for the sign language lessons.

 

[Jim14510]

First, about the chimp: I'm certain I could befriend it and teach it sign language. But I need to learn sign language first, so give me some time to prepare.

Second, Are you more confident in defeating a single 1x-scale chimp, or four 1/4-scale chimps? It seems like it would be hard to befriend four at a time and keep their attention for the sign language lessons.

Doesn't matter. Even if 4 at 1/4 size couldn't overpower you one of those fuckers would jump on your back and bite into your neck vampire style while the other 3 were distracting you by eating your fingers or biting chunks out of your legs.

 

[Huskerforlife]

What about being armed with a knife or gun; this will increase your chances of beating (and killing) all or most of these animals.

 

[Snockered69]

dead from wolf down. Everything else i would be fine.

 

[Jim14510]

What about being armed with a knife or gun; this will increase your chances of beating (and killing) all or most of these animals.

Gun probably. Knife would shorten the list maybe 1/2? Not taking a knife to a bear, lion, gorilla, crocodile, or cobra fight.

 

[Black Dean]

Gun probably. Knife would shorten the list maybe 1/2? Not taking a knife to a bear, lion, gorilla, crocodile, or cobra fight.

You know how fast and powerful chimps are. You’d miss with the knife and before you know it your dick is hanging from its mouth as he bit it off.

 

[CornFed Gregger]

How tf did they find 8% for elephant? The hide is thick enough that hyena’s eat it thru it’s butthole.

 

[Mavsker]

Great thread OP. All the board retards are outing themselves lmao

 

[BorWhiskey]

Hello folks.

Nateland podcast had a segment on these. It was pretty funny.

 

[ChocaEgg]

dead from wolf down. Everything else i would be fine.

lmao the look of surprise on that kangaroos face

 

[Faux Sean Callahan]

• RAT - 72%
• HOUSE CAT - 69%
• GOOSE - 71%
• MEDIUM-SIZED DOG - 49%
• EAGLE - 30%
• LARGE DOG - 23%

I'd feel good up to here.

• CHIMPANZEE - 17%
• KING COBRA - 15%
• KANGAROO - 14%
• WOLF - 12%
• CROCODILE - 9%
• GORILLA - 8%
• ELEPHANT - 8%
• LION - 8%
• GRIZZLY BEAR - 6%

Need some hand cannons to win here.

 

[cwessel76]

A chimp would rip you cock and balls off in 10 seconds. You would die in 30 seconds.

Why do chimps attack? There are several reasons

Chimpanzees have made headlines in recent years for several unprovoked attacks against humans, the latest last week at the Jane Goodall Institute Chimpanzee Eden in South Africa. The severely injured victim, University of Texas graduate student Andrew Oberle, remains in intensive care.

www.nbcnews.com

 

[Napkins]

I’m a no after eagle and on top of that I’m dead in about a week after becoming septic from the cat scratches.

 

[djw004]

Rat - STOMP - 2 seconds.
House Cat - Throwing it against the cage repeatedly. Give me 30 minutes...
Goose - Ringing that neck - give me 12 seconds. Side note: At North Bend golf Course I once hooded a 5 iron and nailed a goose directly in the head. He tried to take off, flew for 2 flaps, then fell to the ground before regaining his composure. Fuck geeses - satan incarnate
Medium size dog - No. I love dogs. Couldn't do it. Take me Jesus
Eagle - I'm taking the fall on purpose here - I love America
Large dog - See medium dogs
King Cobra - Catch him - tie him to the cage - ask if I can leave yet. 30 seconds.
Chimp - I'd taunt it - then proceed to die
Kangaroo - See Chimp.
Wolf - no - But I'd get him to snuggle me first. (2 hours)
Crocodile- I have 0 clue how I'd even accomplish this with bare hands...would offer myself to just not waste time 🙂15 seconds)
Gorilla - We'd be cool - I'd tell him about Harambe, cry a little, and he'd kill the cage locker guy. Walk out of there arm in arm like brothers.
Elephant - Fucking HOW - My Sudanese rooommate in college said these are the scariest animals alive. Ride him for 8 seconds, then he'd tusk me
Lion - 0 chance - self sacrifice - but they like the hunt so I'd gouge an eye to expedite it
Grizzly bear - Tell him I'm a Skol guy and let chaos ensue.

 

[DrumMonkeyRobot]

I am inclined to say the majority of us would not be able to defeat an eagle. They have 4, two-inch knives on each foot and can exert up to 400 psi with those feet. It would be pretty easy for them to dive bomb your face and neck until you're blind and they snag an artery. Game over.

 

[Ext. 55]

Anyone who says they could beat a chimp…is a chimp.

 

[Napkins]

I am inclined to say the majority of us would not be able to defeat an eagle. They have 4, two-inch knives on each foot and can exert up to 400 psi with those feet. It would be pretty easy for them to dive bomb your face and neck until you're blind and they snag an artery. Game over.

God damnit. Mark me down for medium dog.

 

[Pepe Silvia]

I am inclined to say the majority of us would not be able to defeat an eagle. They have 4, two-inch knives on each foot and can exert up to 400 psi with those feet. It would be pretty easy for them to dive bomb your face and neck until you're blind and they snag an artery. Game over.

they can do some damage with the talons, but birds are generally pretty fragile. even a large eagle only weighs about 15 lbs and once you do any damage to a wing they're done

 

[Mavsker]

Rat - yes, pick it up and fucking gronk spike it
House Cat - yes, punt straight to hell
Goose - yes, just get the throat and squeeze the life out
Medium size dog - yes, snuggle it then CRACK. Next.
Eagle - no, killing a migratory bird and dealing with the feds seems like a real boner killer.
Large dog - yes. Seem medium dog.
Chimp - yes, they are hairy human kids. Give me a few minutes.
Cobra - nah fuck that
Kangaroo - yes, rko that bitch
Wolf - I’m dead
Crocodile- I’m dead
Gorilla - I’m dead
Elephant - I’m dead
Lion - I’m dead
Grizzly bear - I’m dead

Your odds at beating a chimp in a death fight are exactly 0%. You'd be better off "fighting" a lion. At least with a lion you'd be dead in short order. The chimp would torture you, biting and tearing off your nose, ears, lips, fingers, and genitals, sinking its teeth into your arms, legs, and skull, and just generally torturing you while you slowly bleed out.

Give me any of those animals before making me fight a chimp.

 

[Juro]

Rat - Sure.
House Cat - Can’t do it. I have a cat.
Goose - I’ll probably win, but I’ll hate my life for fighting a goose to death
Medium size dog - Depends on the dog, but I would win, especially if attacking my dog
Eagle - I’ll die by Eagle for ‘Merica

Large dog - Depends on the dog breed, but I can’t do it, I’m a dog lover, unless my dog is getting attacked
Chimp - I’m gonna die
Kangaroo - I’m gonna get knocked out if not dead. If I’m alive, I’ll be wishing to be dead
Wolf - I’m gonna die
Crocodile- I’m gonna die more than likely even if I escaped his grasp
Gorilla - I’m gonna die and I hope my death satisfies Harambe
Elephant - I’m gonna die
Lion - I’m gonna die
Grizzly bear - I’m gonna die

King Cobra - I hate snakes so I’m running for my life, even if I have to carry my dogs. I win by forfeit.