Almost 1 in 5 believe they could beat a chimp in a fight…who’s the retard on the board?

[Pepe Silvia]

Your odds at beating a chimp in a death fight are exactly 0%. You'd be better off "fighting" a lion. At least with a lion you'd be dead in short order. The chimp would torture you, biting and tearing off your nose, ears, lips, fingers, and genitals, sinking its teeth into your arms, legs, and skull, and just generally torturing you while you slowly bleed out.

Give me any of those animals before making me fight a chimp.

the worst outcome of a chimp attack would be surviving

Spoiler: before/after face transplant

Spoiler: Don't fuck with chimps

 

[Napkins]

the worst outcome of a chimp attack would be surviving

Spoiler: before/after face transplant

Spoiler: Don't fuck with chimps

WTF Did the chimp set them on fire?

 

[Lionsfan93]

Do the animals also know that we are in a fight to the death? Not sure that changes the outcome of my list, but probably changes the times a bit....

Rat - Yes. Easy dub in under 30 seconds

House Cat - Yes. Another easy win. I'll get a little scratched up for sure, but give me 2 minutes.

Goose - Yes. Very similar to the cat. I'll get some minor flesh wounds, but that bitch is going down. 5 minutes.

Medium size dog - Yes. But what is a medium sized dog, 40 pounds? Hardest part for me would be the mental hurdle of killing a dog. 7 minutes.

Eagle - This is where knowing if the eagle knows we are in a fight to the death matters. If it knows, I'm 50/50. It's close combat, which doesn't play into the eagles strengths. I'm taking some serious wounds here, but I think I can contain them to non-life threatening and can come out on top. If the eagle doesn't know we are fighting to the death it becomes considerably easier. It's a fragile bird - 10 minutes.

Large dog - Yes. I don't see a significant difference between this and the medium dog. The eagle would be tougher. 7 minutes again.

Chimp - Absolutely not. I'd try to kill myself first, before the chimp could rip out my intestines and play jump rope with them....5 minutes....

King Cobra - No. Terrified of snakes anyways. I'm dead in however long 5 bites takes to kill you....

Kangaroo - Not gonna lie, I looked up how big Kangaroos are. 5'10 and 200 lbs - I think I can pull it off at 6'4" 250, but it will be an absolute battle. 15-20 minutes and I will need help getting out of the ring...

Wolf - Nope. This is a pretty significant jump here. I think I'm dead in under 5.

Crocodile - Hell no. How are you supposed to kill on with you bare hands??? I hope it ends me quickly.

Gorilla - Not even close. I might land a couple of decent shots, but he is snapping me in half. 5 minutes.

Elephant - What? No. I wouldn't be able to hurt it in the slightest. 1 minute.

Lion - Similar scenario to the wolf, but faster and bloodier. 2 minutes tops.

Grizzly bear - 30 seconds and I'm dead. Would be terrifying and a shitty way to go...

 

[Adolph Coors]

i could destroy a chimp. chimps are little bitches

 

[BluesBucksNHuskers]

This story that went viral a few years ago feels very relevant to this thread;

“ Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in
a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the
bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well
back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so
I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may
just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer
is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina
as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million
years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right
arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
-- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and
run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring
a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.”

 

[BluesBucksNHuskers]

I would really want to watch one of the types of guys that would be dumb enough to think they could beat a chimp actually fight a chimp if it wouldn’t be so fucking gruesome.

 

[Jim14510]

This story that went viral a few years ago feels very relevant to this thread;

“ Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in
a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the
bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well
back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so
I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may
just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer
is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina
as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million
years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right
arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
-- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and
run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring
a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.”

How fucked up was this guy? Sounds like a lot of stitches.

 

[hothouse_corn]

How many of you have "aggressive rooster" on the list of things that you couldn't handle? Perhaps it's time to reevaluate.

Man killed by aggressive rooster as daughter shares 'malicious' attack horror

Experienced bird handler Jasper Kraus was killed in the savage attack from the cockerel, losing litres of blood, with his grief-stricken daughter revealing the same bird also attacked her young child in Ireland

www.mirror.co.uk

 

[BIGSTICK67]

Good luck with that.

 

[Jim14510]

How many of you have "aggressive rooster" on the list of things that you couldn't handle? Perhaps it's time to reevaluate.

Man killed by aggressive rooster as daughter shares 'malicious' attack horror

Experienced bird handler Jasper Kraus was killed in the savage attack from the cockerel, losing litres of blood, with his grief-stricken daughter revealing the same bird also attacked her young child in Ireland

www.mirror.co.uk

Did said rooster have razer blades on his feet?

 

[Skerz4Life50]

Below is the % people think they could beat these animals in a fight. Answer yes and no if you could and how long the fight would last for. You’re in a UFC style octagon with your opponent and can’t leave till one is dead.

• RAT - 72%
• HOUSE CAT - 69%
• GOOSE - 71%
• MEDIUM-SIZED DOG - 49%
• EAGLE - 30%
• LARGE DOG - 23%
• CHIMPANZEE - 17%
• KING COBRA - 15%
• KANGAROO - 14%
• WOLF - 12%
• CROCODILE - 9%
• GORILLA - 8%
• ELEPHANT - 8%
• LION - 8%
• GRIZZLY BEAR - 6%

Rat - yes (1:00 minute tops)
House Cat - yes (5:00 minutes tops)
Goose - yes (3:00 minutes tops)
Medium size dog - yes (10:00 minutes)
Eagle - yes (15:00 minutes)

Large dog - no (20:00 minutes)
Chimp - hell no (3:00 minutes)
Kangaroo - no (9:00 minutes)
Wolf - no (8:00 minutes)
Crocodile- no (3:00 minutes)
Gorilla - no (1:00 minute or less)
Elephant - “”
Lion - “”
Grizzly bear - “”

King cobra - split decision - we both die. I’d get bit but still kill it.

I think everything after a goose would win if they knew they were in a fight.

Pit bulls are “medium sized dogs” and if that thing wanted to kill you and was trained to do so, I’m definitely dead.

If the eagle is allowed to fly and again knows it wants to hurt me…


Rottweilers and German Shepards would be large dogs I would be scared of if again they were mad and trying to attack me. Those trained German Shepard police dogs would tear you apart.

Everything else is basically the same as others have mentioned.

 

[hothouse_corn]

Did said rooster have razer blades on his feet?

Like most of the article links that are posted online, I didn't actually read it, only skimmed. As far as I know, no razer blades.

Most of the reason you are in my "favorites" group is that you often read things linked before replying to the post. I failed that hurdle this time.

 

[Huskerforlife]

Guys, unless you are armed with a gun, or a Rambo-sized knife, your chances of beating any of these animals, except a rat or medium-sized dog is negligible.

 

[2010sarenevercomingback]

Here's a variation on the theme:

 

[Kaladin]

Here's a variation on the theme:

I think you have to pick the rats

That's a lot of rats

 

[BluesBucksNHuskers]

Here's a variation on the theme:

I just can’t think of a scenario I’m not dead.

But give me the 5 gorillas and 4 lions and I’ll hope the hunter is a bad shot.

Do I at least get a tennis racket to take out the annoying fucking pheasant killers?


If the hunters a good shot I need to pick him otherwise I’m @dead instantly. So I’d probably go Hunter + 10,000 rats and hope all of the other animals are hungry enough that the rats keep them occupied for an hour.

 

[betsch]

Here's a variation on the theme:

Assuming the hunter is half-way competent I am taking him and the lions. Maybe the bears instead of the lions, but the lions could distract the bears while the hunter shoots them. Fuck that, 10,000 rats is a LOT of rats. If they swarm you, there's no way you are getting away from that so hunter and rats.

 

[2010sarenevercomingback]

If you can control the animals, I'm going hunter + buffalo.

Hunter because he's getting off 2-3 clean shots right off the bat, and basically a requirement to not be on the opposite team. Buffalo then protectively stampede around us, because even apex predators would get trampled trying to go through. Hunter & I shoot at hawks and stomp on any rats who managed to scurry between buffalo legs.

 

[iruletheskool]

I think you have to pick the rats

That's a lot of rats

Basically about 110 Rats plus whatever yore other choice is per opponent

 

[iruletheskool]

If you can control the animals, I'm going hunter + buffalo.

Hunter because he's getting off 2-3 clean shots right off the bat, and basically a requirement to not be on the opposite team. Buffalo then protectively stampede around us, because even apex predators would get trampled trying to go through. Hunter & I shoot at hawks and stomp on any rats who managed to scurry between buffalo legs.

Need about 20 more buffalo for this plan