Dating a woman with a kid

[Huskerbuck85]

In my personal experience I’d make sure custody is already settled. Like all lines are signed by the judge one way or the other so that you know she has settled into whatever life is going to be like without the father.

I met a girl 4 years ago and she had a 4 year old. I didn’t know well enough to ask the right questions. She was living life as primary custodial parent with her 8 days to his 6 in a two week timeframe. Set by themselves. The next 4 years would become a shit show. He lost his mind. Stalking, physical altercations from him to her, more court appearances than I can count, him being arrested, $40,000 racked up fighting him and her custody and nothing to show for it as he was awarded primary custody bc we moved 2 hours away prior to first hearing (under attorney’s advice that would be fine and still in the same state). She’s been through hell. Essentially losing her first son, never dressing him for school or tucking him in each night other than weekends here and there and almost majority of the summer. She is a great mom, no record of any kind, and in this time has had 2 boys with me, completed yet another degree and full bore in another program for another degree currently. I’ve always treated her oldest son with respect and treat him as my own. He calls me Dad on his own. I’ve never asked him to or pushed for it but I allow it as does she. I’m more of a father than his narcissistic piece of shit alcoholic biological father will ever be but I don’t have to tell him that. You too can be a great role model and father to her child if your heart is set for it.
Advice: just cross your Ts and dot your Is.

 

[Jim14510]

You're going to get the rare serious post from me.

First of all I think it irresponsible of mom to introduce you to 6 yo daughter that soon but whats done is done no sense dwelling on it.

You're going to have to take this relationship super serious from the start now. If its not working out be a man and end it. Regardless if the sex is incredible. The longer you drag it out the worse its going to be for the kid.

Don't try and win over the kid or try being a father figure. Treat her like you would a friends kid. You can't get yourself in the situation where you're sticking around because you think the kid needs a you even though you're not super into mom.

Just be real. Take the relationship like you would any other with the exception that the minute you think its over end it. Mom introducing you immediately put you on a time-line. Theres no room for see how things go. Assess things quickly and make definitive decisions.

 

[CornHub]

I always avoid women with kids. I don't want to deal with someone's old relationship drama for 15 years or however long it is before the kid is out of the house. I also don't want to raise someone else's kid when I'm not even sure if I want my own. I would be more receptive if the father had tragically passed away.

 

[BBTown Bomber]

I married a mother of three. At the time we started dating, they were 11, 10, and 7. She was very cautious about me meeting her kids until things got serious between us. Honestly, that is how it should be. It's not fair to children to have people come in and out of their lives. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to eventually marry and become a father to this young girl. If you're response is "no" or I'm not sure, then you probably should end things with her. Her child isn't going anywhere, especially with her being young, so it's not a situation of "I can just bide my time".

Step-parenting is a very difficult, but very rewarding thing. You'll never be their biological parent, either to mom or to the kids. That's going to mean that you're going to have to have some tough conversations with mom at times about parenting or bite your tongue. It also means that you're sometimes going to get a level of attitude or disrespect that they wouldn't give to mom normally. Depending how involved the other parent is can also affect the dynamic.

At the end of the day, for me, I don't regret it one bit. I had always wanted to have children of my own. We chose not to go down that road together, given how old the kids were and my wife always asks me if I regret that decision. Honestly, I don't see our kids as anything but mine. I never think that they aren't biologically mine. There's been a ton of work that we've had to put in over the years to be a family, but man, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

There is a lot of wisdom in itt ^^^^^^^^^^

Many similarities to my story.

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[BBTown Bomber]

I feel like there might be one or two guys on here with experience, so I risk all my e-cred (none) by coming to you all. I've come across a fine lass who has captured my continued attention, but has the cutest 6 year-old daughter who seemingly already likes me after three meetings. I'm equal parts terrified by how easily I've gotten along with her daughter (she was grabbing my hand at the end of the first time I met her) and also how quickly she (the lass) introduced her daughter to me (2nd meeting/date). To get ahead of the inevitable, no, I haven't defiled mama yet, but she's asked her friend if she was ever afraid of her husband, a relatively large Italian, if "she could breathe while making love" (I was an OL in high school and in life, she's a tiny Chinese girl...understandable concern haha). All signs point toward sexy time, but the kid and being connected with her is weirding me out a bit. I leave it to the rest of you for guidance and proper shitposting. TIA.

I married a mother of three. At the time we started dating, they were 11, 10, and 7. She was very cautious about me meeting her kids until things got serious between us. Honestly, that is how it should be. It's not fair to children to have people come in and out of their lives. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to eventually marry and become a father to this young girl. If you're response is "no" or I'm not sure, then you probably should end things with her. Her child isn't going anywhere, especially with her being young, so it's not a situation of "I can just bide my time".

Step-parenting is a very difficult, but very rewarding thing. You'll never be their biological parent, either to mom or to the kids. That's going to mean that you're going to have to have some tough conversations with mom at times about parenting or bite your tongue. It also means that you're sometimes going to get a level of attitude or disrespect that they wouldn't give to mom normally. Depending how involved the other parent is can also affect the dynamic.

At the end of the day, for me, I don't regret it one bit. I had always wanted to have children of my own. We chose not to go down that road together, given how old the kids were and my wife always asks me if I regret that decision. Honestly, I don't see our kids as anything but mine. I never think that they aren't biologically mine. There's been a ton of work that we've had to put in over the years to be a family, but man, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

There’s no short version of my story but I’ll do my best. Married my ex in 1978 and had two kids with her. Divorced 6 months shy of our 10th anniversary. Sucked but life goes on.

Key fact.....I had always hoped to have either 3 or (preferably) 4 kids. I realized after my son was born that I was going to problems convincing my ex to have a second child (contrary to what I was led to believe pre-marriage). We were blessed with a daughter second time around and that was it for kids.

Got divorced in late ‘89 or early ‘90. She got custody but I had my kids with me approx 42-44 weekends annually. My ex liked her “alone time”......I dated some, wild oats and all that shit. At some point I had the office mgr of a close friend ask me if I would be interested in a blind date.

We talked and decided to meet for drinks and things went great. Her sons were 9 & 8 and her daughter was 6. And my two kids were already friends with her kids. Our daughters went to the same after-school daycare and the boys played basketball together with a fourth friend. Obviously that made things easier from the get-go.

Her ex had not been in the picture since they divorced 7 yrs earlier. His main goal was to keep moving around to stay one step ahead of the child support folks. And he had almost zero contact with the three kids. POS to be sure.

Second marriages/ blended families come with incredible complications and hurdles to overcome for many. There were never any expectations that I was her kid’s dad. I was the new “man of the house” and both of her boys had seen themselves in that role prior to my arrival. Soooo, that caused some problems.

All 5 of our kids were good athletes and involved in sports year around. Our lives were dominated by running kids back and forth to practices and going to all of their games. Our “vacations” were weekends at out of town baseball or basketball tourneys or a gymnastics meets, etc.

And as the kids got older they got even busier and the weekend trips were longer and farther away. And we loved it. Sports was our life. I was in a family with 5 kids, I was in a marriage with a great woman who had a healthy appetite in the bedroom and I was in the early stages of making a living being a financial advisor.

Fast forward to today, we’ve been married 28+ yrs, the 5 kids range in age from 35-40 yrs old and we’re blessed with 9 crazy great grandkids. The years have been a rollercoaster to be sure. I assumed early on that I would grow into more of a parent to her kids as time went by (and that did happen) but my wife had been both mom, dad, provider, protector, etc. for the 7 yrs that she was divorced.

That bond created a difficult and odd dynamic at times. We were, and continue to be, a “family” but there still are times when she and her three kids have this bond, this private club, that no one else is invited into. It has been great, it has sucked, it’s been chaos and complicated and it’s also been fulfilling for the most part.

For @Blackshirts_Win_'ships yore taking a chance dating/marrying someone who already has a child. Thinking that you’ve got to be brutally honest with yoreself regarding who this woman really is, how you get along, what are her morals, ethics, attitudes about family, work, sex, money, etc., etc., etc.

My vote would be that you give this relationship a chance. She sounds like a good woman and you def seem to be attracted to her. As far as her daughter holding yore hand the first time you met her, that would melt my heart. And I’m guessing mom saw her do that too.

You just need to honest with yoreself in the early stages of how things go......my $.02. Good luck. Make sure we get an update...... 😎

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[HuskerDocCo]

I feel like there might be one or two guys on here with experience, so I risk all my e-cred (none) by coming to you all. I've come across a fine lass who has captured my continued attention, but has the cutest 6 year-old daughter who seemingly already likes me after three meetings. I'm equal parts terrified by how easily I've gotten along with her daughter (she was grabbing my hand at the end of the first time I met her) and also how quickly she (the lass) introduced her daughter to me (2nd meeting/date). To get ahead of the inevitable, no, I haven't defiled mama yet, but she's asked her friend if she was ever afraid of her husband, a relatively large Italian, if "she could breathe while making love" (I was an OL in high school and in life, she's a tiny Chinese girl...understandable concern haha). All signs point toward sexy time, but the kid and being connected with her is weirding me out a bit. I leave it to the rest of you for guidance and proper shitposting. TIA.

Way late to this party but read most of the 3 pages. I think any relationship is worth a shot, whether that be 1,2,3 or shots on the boobs.

 

[bbenson67]

Fascinating situation with so many potential twists and turns. The woman with kids angle I won't be much help on but I know lots of people who did it well including my brother. Focus on her. If it's truly love the young girl will just be a bonus. It sounds like you already have some bonding going on with the little girl.

The fact she's Chinese I think is very cool. As you know, my wife is Vietnamese and we'll be celebrating our 47th anniversary in August. Fortunately, my wife was an AFS exchange student to the USA her Sr. year in high school so she was very Americanized when I met her at the US Embassy In Viet Nam where she worked as an interpreter for the CIA. We knew each other for 5 years before we got married including 3 years of separation with me in Nebraska and Hong Kong for school and her in Viet Nam finishing her degree.

In retrospect it was the best decision I ever made. But being in an interracial marriage back then, 1974, was not as common as it is today. The best thing I can say is that I never had any issues in the 2 years we lived in Lincoln before leaving the state. My relatives in south central Nebraska fell in love with her and quickly blew up all the stereotypes the elites try to attribute to us. Still, it was one of the reasons we ended up first in Hawaii and then L.A. We just blend into the background out here. Just something to think about.

My son is officially engaged to the Wuhan Goddess he met a year ago. My wife always said I was born in the wrong body and should have been Chinese. Now I'll have a Chinese daughter in law. The Chinese are big on fate as you know.

I'll end with what my father said to me the first time he met my wife. Congratulations, you now have at least a 50% chance of having beautiful children.

 

[Blackshirts_Win_'ships]

Really appreciate all the perspectives and advice, gentlemen. I'll do my best not to let you and/or myself down.

Congratulations, you now have at least a 50% chance of having beautiful children.

Gonna need a lot more than 50%, I'm afraid...

 

[iruletheskool]

I was the kid to a couple stepdads. Neither stuck but I got along with them. Apprectiated that they tried to bond but never tried to be my dad.

May be different as dad was/is still around (50/50 custody)

 

[LoudHogRider]

One last thing, dowries are still a thing for quite a few here. My Italian friend had quite...extensive negotiations with his now-wife's family. She had to help him negotiate down.

If @EndoHusker is lurking ITT, show your face boy.

 

[Huskerbuck85]

I always avoid women with kids. I don't want to deal with someone's old relationship drama for 15 years or however long it is before the kid is out of the house. I also don't want to raise someone else's kid when I'm not even sure if I want my own. I would be more receptive if the father had tragically passed away.

I was talking to a car salesman in Lincoln a few years ago and he had been in a similar situation as me (read post above) but the lucky son of a bitch....no shit, a tree randomly fell on his woman’s ex and killed the dude.

 

[CornHub]

I was talking to a car salesman in Lincoln a few years ago and he had been in a similar situation as me (read post above) but the lucky son of a bitch....no shit, a tree randomly fell on his woman’s ex and killed the dude.

That's some crazy shit. Of all the ways to go and a tree fell on him. That's some bad luck or karma, however you want to look at it. I guess it could be stupidity too.

 

[BBTown Bomber]

If @EndoHusker is lurking ITT, show your face boy.

Accounts receivable problems, huh?? 😉

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[LoudHogRider]

Accounts receivable problems, huh?? 😉

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I gotta lotta $$$ investing in that girl.

 

[Bootleg11]

Thankful my sister found a guy willing to date her. She married too young, had 2 kids and then her husband (now ex) got hooked on meth and ruined her financially and almost killed her. Probably the only person that I have actually wished would die is that p.o.s.

Took her a long time to recover but she’s now remarried and has a kid with her new husband. They are debt free and happy.

My point is, my sister had a ton of baggage and was about 1 step from being a full on disaster. But she found a good dude from a good family and now...she’s great. Her daughters love their stepdad (they are 18 and 15 now).