Funny sayings, quotes, etc…

[HuskerPAC]

A buddy of mine started using a cold tub and was talking about it. I said I wouldn’t be able to handle the shock.

He said, “not going to lie, I was shivering like a faggot eating a corn dog for the first minute.”

This was through text and I belly laughed for about 3 minutes. My wife didn’t think it was funny.

Anyone else have any funny ones from friends, dads, etc?

 

[turek420845]

Any time my former manager would see a hot ass chick he would say, "I would eat the corn out of her shit" and "I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for leaving crumbs."

 

[Boondock_St_Sker]

nervous as a dog shittin' a peach seed

queer as a football bat

how many fuck trophies you got?

so many more

 

[Jim14510]

Any time my former manager would see a hot ass chick he would say, "I would eat the corn out of her shit" and "I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for leaving crumbs."

My uncle would always say "I'd fuck the dog to get in the family."

 

[Jim14510]

This one from Doc the other day cracked me up.

you know Fred. If you get enough fudge packers in a room, you can make donuts

 

[Tyneb23]

My college coach everytime I fucked up, I can still hear it till this day. (God damn it Bubba). Now I say it to my kids

 

[huskerf an4ever]

My Grandpa used to say "it is hotter than the afterbirth of a Mongolian gangbang". Was always like WTF but still laughed.

 

[Jim14510]

My Grandpa used to say "it is hotter than the afterbirth of a Mongolian gangbang". Was always like WTF but still laughed.

Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire.

 

[alt f4]

In high school I worked produce with my uncle and produce manager Tom. While unloading the truck Tom would always ask where the corn should go in the cooler, we'd reply "in the cornhole". We'd die laughing because he was clueless on the true meaning of a cornhole.

One day he responded with "if you tell that stupid cornhole joke one more time, I'm going to shove my foot up your cornhole."

Corn, cornhole game all take me back to those days and our stupid cornhole joke.

 

[lee_carvallo_12]

My HS buddy's worked for a lawn care service with an older guy that was about 90% deaf, but refused to wear hearing aids. Just attempted to read lips instead and he only got about 50% of what you were saying to him.

Anyway, all summer long when a piece of equipment broke down he would say, "ahhh horseshit," with the kind of accent that deaf people speak in. Then, after saying "ahhh horseshit," all summer long, a mower broke down for the umpteenth time and he yells out, "AHHH HORSE PUSSY!" My one buddy said he had to take a knee he was laughing so hard.

Probably not exactly what the OP was looking for, but I still get a huge kick out of it.

 

[Irv]

My Grandpa used to say "it is hotter than the afterbirth of a Mongolian gangbang". Was always like WTF but still laughed.

I think this one might haunt me.

 

[Huskerbuck85]

Any time my former manager would see a hot ass chick he would say, "I would eat the corn out of her shit" and "I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for leaving crumbs."

Any time my former manager would see a hot ass chick he would say, "I would eat the corn out of her shit" and "I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for EATING CRACKERS EVEN IF CRACKERS WAS HER SISTER”

 

[Huskerbuck85]

Any time my former manager would see a hot ass chick he would say, "I would eat the corn out of her shit" and "I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for leaving crumbs."

A guy I worked with years ago would see hot girls come through and say “I’d let her shit on my chest just to see where it came from”

 

[Huskerbuck85]

“I’d walk a mile over broken glass just to suck the dick that fucked her last”

-jim probably

 

[Milo-of-Croton]

One of my favorites that originally came from The Outlaw Josie Wales: “Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining!”

In polite company I change it to ‘don’t spit on me and tell me it’s raining’.

Others I’ve heard…

Guy limping has a ‘hitch in the git along’.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

She’d screw a rattlesnake if she could get it to stay still long enough.

With a friend like you I don’t need enemies.

That woman could suck the chrome off a ball hitch.

The girl was a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

This road is rougher than the Ho Chi Minh trail after the bombing.

 

[doublewing]

My Economics professor who was from down South taught us the important lesson that "If you find something great at the landfill, there is something living in it or in it's immediate proximity. Leave it alone."

 

[Ripping Lips]

I had a Department Head who wouldn't give complements to junior personnel. The closest to a complement that I ever got him from was "You didn't disappoint me".

Had a creepy uncle whenever he saw a young hot girl and would call her a future peter pleaser.

Some other stupid Navy sayings that I can remember:
Would love to set zebra on that
I'd let her do my bright work
That's a SITREP waiting to happen

 

[Frogsker30]

Colder than a wet squirrel heading north on a tuesday

 

[Scott Hall]

Whenever something ridiculous happens I say “you’ve got to be titty fucking my asshole”

 

[lee_carvallo_12]

One of my favorites that originally came from The Outlaw Josie Wales: “Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining!”

In polite company I change it to ‘don’t spit on me and tell me it’s raining’.

Others I’ve heard…

Guy limping has a ‘hitch in the git along’.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

She’d screw a rattlesnake if she could get it to stay still long enough.

With a friend like you I don’t need enemies.

That woman could suck the chrome off a ball hitch.

The girl was a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

This road is rougher than the Ho Chi Minh trail after the bombing.

In impolite company I change the first one to "Don't cum up my back and tell me it's raining!"