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Every year they do this fun exercise. I think it's fun to think about. They do make sure to include that this is for entertainment purposes. I'll post updates in here as they do them.
ZACH BARNETT
All along you knew it was a lie, yet you repeated it all the same. That's why we lie to ourselves, after all -- for the comfort. An emotional blanket to get us through the tough times.
And, boy, were there tough times last year. Survive this, you told yourself, and you can survive anything. Endure the storm of night, and morning will reward you with clear skies and calm seas.
Surviving one crisis does not prevent another, yet you repeated the lie all the same. And when the cold winds arrived once again, there was no more denying it.
Arrive they did, bitter and angry, with a bite that cut right through the warmest clothing. Early, too. Earlier than last year. Earlier than ever, it seems. No matter how many sweet lies you told yourself throughout spring and summer, winter was always there. Lurking. Brooding. As the night grows longer and the air gets colder, the truth you can no longer deny is here. Nuclear Winter is back.
As in previous editions, the goal here is to have some fun while illustrating how quickly the coaching carousel could spin in the most entertaining way possible — while remaining tethered to the realm of plausibility.
*First disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Second disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Third and final disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
Nuclear Winter can take a toll on coaches, readers and families. We remind athletic directors that this exercise is just for fun and not all of these hires would be considered wise for your own professional longevity.
And with all that said, let us begin.
MID-TO-LATE NOVEMBER
Miami: When Miami loses to lowly Florida State for the first time in five years, Miami announces Manny Diaz will finish the season but will not return afterward.
Virginia Tech: A win over Miami temporarily calms the waters, but a loss to Virginia -- his second in three years... and VT's second in 18 years -- is the end for the 6-year Justin Fuente era in Blacksburg.
Duke: David Cutcliffe announces his retirement moments after falling to Miami to close the season. Moments after that, all the coaches in the Arch Manning Sweepstakes -- Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, Dabo Swinney and Steve Sarkisian -- are on the phone to get Cut in as a special advisor.
Miami: Warren Sapp, Ken Dorsey, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Jeremy Shockey sit down for dinner at Prime 112. The table is set for six. The five of them wait 10 minutes, then 15, then 20. Finally, Sapp fires off an impatient text to their sixth, Michael Irvin. "I'm on my way," Irvin replies, "and we're going to need another chair."
Georgia Tech: Geoff Collins is informed following his team's 38-3 loss to Georgia, in which his Jackets covered the spread, that his services will no longer be needed. He heads to Waffle House.
FIU: Butch Davis announces his retirement at the exact moment FIU AD Pete Garcia informs him his expiring contract won't be renewed.
UCLA: That UCLA-LSU game that felt so monumental to open the season was rendered fully irrelevant by season's end when Chip Kelly's contract is bought out following five straight losses to close the season.
Colorado State: Colorado State announces Steve Addazio won't be renewed, and also that it'd like a refund for all the money it paid Urban Meyer for his consulting services.
TCU: When he brings a Heim Barbecue cup with him to the podium to talk over his team's win over Tulsa, Sonny Dykes confirmed what we all suspected -- he's moving to Fort Worth.
Washington: When Jen Cohen announces Jimmy Lake will not be retained for a third season, she makes no effort to shoot down rumors Washington will try to recruit Chris Petersen back to the sidelines.
LSU: The state of Louisiana is spun on its head when Mel Tucker, fresh off a stunning upset of Ohio State and an 11-1 regular season, signs a brand new contract. Eight years, $60 million, fully guaranteed, with a $25 million buyout should he take another college job.
Arizona State: "Y'all didn't seriously think we would keep Herm through very obvious NCAA rules violations, did you?" AD Ray Anderson says, incredulously, when the coach doesn't appear for his final postgame press conference. Arizona State is open.
Florida: When Florida State stuns another archrival, UF and Dan Mullen mutually part ways. Unlike every other time schools announce that and it isn't really true, Florida and Mullen's parting really is mutual.
Syracuse: Jim Boeheim's basketball team tips off against Indiana in a packed Carrier Dome at 7 p.m. local time on Nov. 30. Syracuse football announces Dino Babers' firing at 7:15.
Washington State: Wazzu comes to terms with Oregon offensive coordinator Joe Moorhead. Bucking a recent trend, he will not leave his current team for his future team before season's end. Oregon heads to the Pac-12 Championship against Utah ranked No. 4 in the College Football Playoff rankings. At the press conference, Wazzu AD Pat Chun says Moorhead shot to No. 1 on the list his Oregon offense tried to run up the score on Washington.
USC: When James Franklin removes himself from contention with a 7-5 finish, Matt Campbell signs a lifetime extension at Cockeye State, and USC makes no effort at pursuing Luke #2ndChoice following Cincinnati's stunning loss at East Carolina, frantic USC fans reason Mario Cristobal is on the hook... or Bohn has Urban lined up.
Miami: Michael Irvin finally arrives -- it was a long dinner, plenty of appetizers -- with his guest. "Before you say anything," the Pro Football Hall of Famer bellows, "at least hear the man out." Through the doorway walks Deion Sanders.
The following schools also announce changes in the season's final days: New Mexico State, Texas State, Tulsa, UNLV
Jobs already filled: Georgia Southern, Texas Tech
Jobs filled: TCU, Washington State
New openings: Colorado State, Duke, Florida, FIU, Georgia Tech, Miami, New Mexico State, SMU, Syracuse, Texas State, Tulsa, UCLA, UNLV, Virginia Tech, Washington
Still open: Akron, LSU, UConn, UMass, USC
Total openings: 24
The first moves are a mere warning of what's to come. Grab your neighbors and your loved ones and take shelter now. While you still can.
FootballScoop's Nuclear Winter VII
As the night grows longer and the air gets colder, the truth you can no longer deny is here. Nuclear Winter is back.ZACH BARNETT
All along you knew it was a lie, yet you repeated it all the same. That's why we lie to ourselves, after all -- for the comfort. An emotional blanket to get us through the tough times.
And, boy, were there tough times last year. Survive this, you told yourself, and you can survive anything. Endure the storm of night, and morning will reward you with clear skies and calm seas.
Surviving one crisis does not prevent another, yet you repeated the lie all the same. And when the cold winds arrived once again, there was no more denying it.
Arrive they did, bitter and angry, with a bite that cut right through the warmest clothing. Early, too. Earlier than last year. Earlier than ever, it seems. No matter how many sweet lies you told yourself throughout spring and summer, winter was always there. Lurking. Brooding. As the night grows longer and the air gets colder, the truth you can no longer deny is here. Nuclear Winter is back.
As in previous editions, the goal here is to have some fun while illustrating how quickly the coaching carousel could spin in the most entertaining way possible — while remaining tethered to the realm of plausibility.
*First disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Second disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Third and final disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
Nuclear Winter can take a toll on coaches, readers and families. We remind athletic directors that this exercise is just for fun and not all of these hires would be considered wise for your own professional longevity.
And with all that said, let us begin.
MID-TO-LATE NOVEMBER
Miami: When Miami loses to lowly Florida State for the first time in five years, Miami announces Manny Diaz will finish the season but will not return afterward.
Virginia Tech: A win over Miami temporarily calms the waters, but a loss to Virginia -- his second in three years... and VT's second in 18 years -- is the end for the 6-year Justin Fuente era in Blacksburg.
Duke: David Cutcliffe announces his retirement moments after falling to Miami to close the season. Moments after that, all the coaches in the Arch Manning Sweepstakes -- Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, Dabo Swinney and Steve Sarkisian -- are on the phone to get Cut in as a special advisor.
Miami: Warren Sapp, Ken Dorsey, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Jeremy Shockey sit down for dinner at Prime 112. The table is set for six. The five of them wait 10 minutes, then 15, then 20. Finally, Sapp fires off an impatient text to their sixth, Michael Irvin. "I'm on my way," Irvin replies, "and we're going to need another chair."
Georgia Tech: Geoff Collins is informed following his team's 38-3 loss to Georgia, in which his Jackets covered the spread, that his services will no longer be needed. He heads to Waffle House.
FIU: Butch Davis announces his retirement at the exact moment FIU AD Pete Garcia informs him his expiring contract won't be renewed.
UCLA: That UCLA-LSU game that felt so monumental to open the season was rendered fully irrelevant by season's end when Chip Kelly's contract is bought out following five straight losses to close the season.
Colorado State: Colorado State announces Steve Addazio won't be renewed, and also that it'd like a refund for all the money it paid Urban Meyer for his consulting services.
TCU: When he brings a Heim Barbecue cup with him to the podium to talk over his team's win over Tulsa, Sonny Dykes confirmed what we all suspected -- he's moving to Fort Worth.
Washington: When Jen Cohen announces Jimmy Lake will not be retained for a third season, she makes no effort to shoot down rumors Washington will try to recruit Chris Petersen back to the sidelines.
LSU: The state of Louisiana is spun on its head when Mel Tucker, fresh off a stunning upset of Ohio State and an 11-1 regular season, signs a brand new contract. Eight years, $60 million, fully guaranteed, with a $25 million buyout should he take another college job.
Arizona State: "Y'all didn't seriously think we would keep Herm through very obvious NCAA rules violations, did you?" AD Ray Anderson says, incredulously, when the coach doesn't appear for his final postgame press conference. Arizona State is open.
Florida: When Florida State stuns another archrival, UF and Dan Mullen mutually part ways. Unlike every other time schools announce that and it isn't really true, Florida and Mullen's parting really is mutual.
Syracuse: Jim Boeheim's basketball team tips off against Indiana in a packed Carrier Dome at 7 p.m. local time on Nov. 30. Syracuse football announces Dino Babers' firing at 7:15.
Washington State: Wazzu comes to terms with Oregon offensive coordinator Joe Moorhead. Bucking a recent trend, he will not leave his current team for his future team before season's end. Oregon heads to the Pac-12 Championship against Utah ranked No. 4 in the College Football Playoff rankings. At the press conference, Wazzu AD Pat Chun says Moorhead shot to No. 1 on the list his Oregon offense tried to run up the score on Washington.
USC: When James Franklin removes himself from contention with a 7-5 finish, Matt Campbell signs a lifetime extension at Cockeye State, and USC makes no effort at pursuing Luke #2ndChoice following Cincinnati's stunning loss at East Carolina, frantic USC fans reason Mario Cristobal is on the hook... or Bohn has Urban lined up.
Miami: Michael Irvin finally arrives -- it was a long dinner, plenty of appetizers -- with his guest. "Before you say anything," the Pro Football Hall of Famer bellows, "at least hear the man out." Through the doorway walks Deion Sanders.
The following schools also announce changes in the season's final days: New Mexico State, Texas State, Tulsa, UNLV
Jobs already filled: Georgia Southern, Texas Tech
Jobs filled: TCU, Washington State
New openings: Colorado State, Duke, Florida, FIU, Georgia Tech, Miami, New Mexico State, SMU, Syracuse, Texas State, Tulsa, UCLA, UNLV, Virginia Tech, Washington
Still open: Akron, LSU, UConn, UMass, USC
Total openings: 24
The first moves are a mere warning of what's to come. Grab your neighbors and your loved ones and take shelter now. While you still can.
