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Feel free to use this disclaimer we used when selling fundraiser tickets. Ironclad.
DISCLAIMER OF TICKETING EXISTENCE, DELIVERY, VALIDITY, METAPHYSICAL REALITY, AND/OR HYPOTHETICAL UTILITY.
By purchasing, attempting to purchase, contemplating the purchase of, or being in the general vicinity of any “ticket(s),” herein defined as any digital, analog, metaphorical, conceptual, spiritual, or hypothetical pass, credential, chit, token, voucher, glyph, or ceremonial papyrus allegedly entitling the bearer to access an event, venue, space-time anomaly, or minor cultural disappointment (hereafter “Event”), you (the “Purchaser, Recipient, or Hapless Victim”) hereby irrevocably acknowledge, stipulate, acquiesce, and otherwise surrender to the following conditions, provisions, fictions, delusions, and caveats (collectively, the “Terms”), the comprehension of which is neither expected nor required:
DISCLAIMER OF TICKETING EXISTENCE, DELIVERY, VALIDITY, METAPHYSICAL REALITY, AND/OR HYPOTHETICAL UTILITY.
By purchasing, attempting to purchase, contemplating the purchase of, or being in the general vicinity of any “ticket(s),” herein defined as any digital, analog, metaphorical, conceptual, spiritual, or hypothetical pass, credential, chit, token, voucher, glyph, or ceremonial papyrus allegedly entitling the bearer to access an event, venue, space-time anomaly, or minor cultural disappointment (hereafter “Event”), you (the “Purchaser, Recipient, or Hapless Victim”) hereby irrevocably acknowledge, stipulate, acquiesce, and otherwise surrender to the following conditions, provisions, fictions, delusions, and caveats (collectively, the “Terms”), the comprehension of which is neither expected nor required:
- Non-Guarantee of Delivery: Tickets may or may not be delivered. The definition of “delivered” shall encompass a vast array of ambiguous states including, but not limited to: (a) emailed, (b) mailed, (c) astrally projected, (d) thought about very hard, or (e) whispered into a mason jar and buried behind an Arby’s. No assurance is made, express or implied, that you will ever receive anything at all.
- Schrödinger’s Ticket Clause: Until the precise moment of ticket manifestation (if any), all tickets shall be considered both existent and non-existent simultaneously. Opening your inbox to check constitutes quantum collapse of the possibility waveform and may result in ticket vaporization.
- Eventuality Disclaimer: The occurrence of the Event to which the ticket may pertain is speculative. Said Event may be rescheduled, cancelled, fictional, occurring in an alternate dimension, or replaced by an interpretive dance of the idea of cancellation. The Promoter assumes no liability for any emotional, spiritual, or gastronomic damage incurred.
- Non-Transferability: Should a ticket be received (accidentally or otherwise), it shall be non-transferable, non-refundable, non-respectable, and subject to immediate invalidation should the ticketholder blink aggressively, ask questions, or attempt to use it.
- Assumption of Risk: By engaging in this ticket transaction, you assume all risks known and unknown, including but not limited to: disappointment, existential dread, email spam, and the crushing realization that time is a flat circle and the Event was inside you all along.
- Governing Law: This disclaimer shall be governed under the laws of whichever jurisdiction is least favorable to you, including but not limited to: International Waters, The Duchy of Grand Fenwick, and your Aunt Carol’s HOA.
- Waiver of Reality: You expressly waive your right to expect anything resembling reality, logic, or accountability in connection with these ticket(s), the Event, or this document, which is binding in perpetuity, in this lifetime and all subsequent reincarnations (including as a weasel).
