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Ho-Lee-Phuck
So I hacked into Dean's computer (a 1998 iMac - Pink in color from what I can tell) so that I could find and expose his most recent PornHub searches (stepdad/stepson (gross), and continued searches for what I'm assuming to be a male star named "Lance Hardwood" (double gross)) and what did I see saved on his desktop? Nothing other than ANOTHER 3-2-1 that he can't post as he's homeless/jobless. Due to recent criticisms I did take the liberty of editing it for him before publishing here - because we at tPB have a certain level of excellence we adhere to. So shut up about it not being "shitty enough to be Dean" and just enjoy the fucking show...
Here Goes:
This week we are looking at what I'm hearing is likely based on Turd's standards, the outlook of our OLine letting us down game after game. Turd is expecting we begin the season 2-4 and that HCSF will be gone after a loss to 2 of our first 3, or losing 2 of our 4 immediately following Oklahoma. This is a very fluid situation, and things like this can always change based on current circumstances, so please remember anything I ever say doesn't mean jack shit.
But, as we prep for gameday, let's figure out who will be leading us NEXT year once Scott assuredly effs this whole thing up.
3 LIKELY CANDIDATES TO REPLACE SCOTT WHEN HE'S FIRED
1. Chris Petersen - let's face it. The Truth is, we are a program that needs rebuilt, and Chris Petersen is a proven leader that has a winning track record (.793). The offensive mind and expertise that we hoped to get with our Prodigal Son returning would have an actual chance of being delivered this time around. Petersen has a history with QB coaching, WR rooms, and running Offenses as OC. This 2x Paul Bear Bryant Coach of the Year winner has a decision to make, either continue to sit behind the broadcast desk and install a "lock door" button a la Matt Lauer, or get back into coaching. Truthfully, it's the only way we have a shot at him. Can't imagine this clean cut boy wants to become a ridiculed sexual deviant, so why not become a ridiculed football coach at DONU instead.
2. Jim Leonhard (emphasis on HARD) - the last time we were a relevant program whatsoever was with a defensive mind at the helm. God we miss you Bo. And perhaps that's the path back to relevance. Sure Jim Leonhard continuously turns down NFL opportunities, chances to run his own program elsewhere, and might just be a modern day Brett Venables who knows he can't lead a program, but like the hot chick with daddy issues who you say no to enough, will get a massive pay day (this time in the form a way too large contract for someone who's never run a program in place of the litany of BJs you get from said daddy issued hot chick) that equates to a retirement policy. Would he make the Bo Schembechler type jump within the B1G and beat this piss out of Barry Alvarez until he dies? I think yes. Which means, no chance.
3. Dave Aranda - Perhaps a more attainable, yet just as buzz filled, version of Leonhard. Aranda won the Big12 in 2021. But the Big 12 the Big BITCH of the Power 5. They are floundering, and any of their coaches that could be considered stars. Let me be clear, Aranda shouldn't want to come here. Under any normal circumstances, he WOULDN'T come here. But, with the B1G securing a lucrative TV deal, it's poised to provide even more lucrative contracts to their coaches. So perhaps we can benefit from a rising dick lifting all pants.
2 CLASSES OF CANDIDATES WE'D ALL WANT BUT WILL NEVER GET
1. The Shamed Top Level Guy - Urban Meyer fingered a butt hole. Ed Orgeron tried to bang a Board of Trustee wife at a gas station. They both have been a part of multiple national championships, will win another one wherever they land, but have a scarlet letter thanks to their head south of the border. We could promise a never ending supply of white gloves so he can keenly see the spoils of his fingerings along with 9 Million a year to Meyer and he still wouldn't show up in Lincoln. We could ensure the wife of each member of the Board of Regents be spread eagle at least 4 hours per day per wife in Eddy O's office, toss him 10 Million, and he still ain't screaming "Geaux Huskahs" But that won't stop everyone from clamoring for them.
2. The Former Studs that Need a Big Boy Job Again - Malzahn, O'Brien, Hugh Freeze, Kiffin (Ole Miss might be SEC, but it lives in multiple shadows), Bielema, Mullen, Helton, Rhule (he may be in the NFL, but he doesn't want to be). We would be thrilled with each of them, and will be denied by all of them. That was easy.
1 BOLD PREDICTION
Our Coach for next year is already in the building. He's a former QB for Tom Osborne, he's fit, he's cocky and to the point, he's long been a recruiting juggernaut that will keep our ever improving recruiting class together as Scotty F gets canned, he's black (big plus), and his name is Mickey Joseph. Just imagine - what if we hired the wrong former DONU QB the first time around, he steps in at 2-4 and leads us to 8-4. Dark Wizard Turd somehow gets Scott to take an Analyst role for 30K a year and no buyout so we can tell Tommy O "Scott still has a job at Nebraska" and the old bastard just takes it at face value and FINALLY green lights a move. Mickey gets the big boy job full time after the season, and then someone realizes - there's a reason he's only been an AHC and WR coach his whole life. And we do this WHOOOOOLE dance again for the NEXT 5 years.
This is Nebraska Football. This is my nightmare.
So I hacked into Dean's computer (a 1998 iMac - Pink in color from what I can tell) so that I could find and expose his most recent PornHub searches (stepdad/stepson (gross), and continued searches for what I'm assuming to be a male star named "Lance Hardwood" (double gross)) and what did I see saved on his desktop? Nothing other than ANOTHER 3-2-1 that he can't post as he's homeless/jobless. Due to recent criticisms I did take the liberty of editing it for him before publishing here - because we at tPB have a certain level of excellence we adhere to. So shut up about it not being "shitty enough to be Dean" and just enjoy the fucking show...
Here Goes:
This week we are looking at what I'm hearing is likely based on Turd's standards, the outlook of our OLine letting us down game after game. Turd is expecting we begin the season 2-4 and that HCSF will be gone after a loss to 2 of our first 3, or losing 2 of our 4 immediately following Oklahoma. This is a very fluid situation, and things like this can always change based on current circumstances, so please remember anything I ever say doesn't mean jack shit.
But, as we prep for gameday, let's figure out who will be leading us NEXT year once Scott assuredly effs this whole thing up.
3 LIKELY CANDIDATES TO REPLACE SCOTT WHEN HE'S FIRED
1. Chris Petersen - let's face it. The Truth is, we are a program that needs rebuilt, and Chris Petersen is a proven leader that has a winning track record (.793). The offensive mind and expertise that we hoped to get with our Prodigal Son returning would have an actual chance of being delivered this time around. Petersen has a history with QB coaching, WR rooms, and running Offenses as OC. This 2x Paul Bear Bryant Coach of the Year winner has a decision to make, either continue to sit behind the broadcast desk and install a "lock door" button a la Matt Lauer, or get back into coaching. Truthfully, it's the only way we have a shot at him. Can't imagine this clean cut boy wants to become a ridiculed sexual deviant, so why not become a ridiculed football coach at DONU instead.
2. Jim Leonhard (emphasis on HARD) - the last time we were a relevant program whatsoever was with a defensive mind at the helm. God we miss you Bo. And perhaps that's the path back to relevance. Sure Jim Leonhard continuously turns down NFL opportunities, chances to run his own program elsewhere, and might just be a modern day Brett Venables who knows he can't lead a program, but like the hot chick with daddy issues who you say no to enough, will get a massive pay day (this time in the form a way too large contract for someone who's never run a program in place of the litany of BJs you get from said daddy issued hot chick) that equates to a retirement policy. Would he make the Bo Schembechler type jump within the B1G and beat this piss out of Barry Alvarez until he dies? I think yes. Which means, no chance.
3. Dave Aranda - Perhaps a more attainable, yet just as buzz filled, version of Leonhard. Aranda won the Big12 in 2021. But the Big 12 the Big BITCH of the Power 5. They are floundering, and any of their coaches that could be considered stars. Let me be clear, Aranda shouldn't want to come here. Under any normal circumstances, he WOULDN'T come here. But, with the B1G securing a lucrative TV deal, it's poised to provide even more lucrative contracts to their coaches. So perhaps we can benefit from a rising dick lifting all pants.
2 CLASSES OF CANDIDATES WE'D ALL WANT BUT WILL NEVER GET
1. The Shamed Top Level Guy - Urban Meyer fingered a butt hole. Ed Orgeron tried to bang a Board of Trustee wife at a gas station. They both have been a part of multiple national championships, will win another one wherever they land, but have a scarlet letter thanks to their head south of the border. We could promise a never ending supply of white gloves so he can keenly see the spoils of his fingerings along with 9 Million a year to Meyer and he still wouldn't show up in Lincoln. We could ensure the wife of each member of the Board of Regents be spread eagle at least 4 hours per day per wife in Eddy O's office, toss him 10 Million, and he still ain't screaming "Geaux Huskahs" But that won't stop everyone from clamoring for them.
2. The Former Studs that Need a Big Boy Job Again - Malzahn, O'Brien, Hugh Freeze, Kiffin (Ole Miss might be SEC, but it lives in multiple shadows), Bielema, Mullen, Helton, Rhule (he may be in the NFL, but he doesn't want to be). We would be thrilled with each of them, and will be denied by all of them. That was easy.
1 BOLD PREDICTION
Our Coach for next year is already in the building. He's a former QB for Tom Osborne, he's fit, he's cocky and to the point, he's long been a recruiting juggernaut that will keep our ever improving recruiting class together as Scotty F gets canned, he's black (big plus), and his name is Mickey Joseph. Just imagine - what if we hired the wrong former DONU QB the first time around, he steps in at 2-4 and leads us to 8-4. Dark Wizard Turd somehow gets Scott to take an Analyst role for 30K a year and no buyout so we can tell Tommy O "Scott still has a job at Nebraska" and the old bastard just takes it at face value and FINALLY green lights a move. Mickey gets the big boy job full time after the season, and then someone realizes - there's a reason he's only been an AHC and WR coach his whole life. And we do this WHOOOOOLE dance again for the NEXT 5 years.
This is Nebraska Football. This is my nightmare.
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