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Husker Nation, it’s time to rally together. Tonight is a dangerous night. A night when our very own friends, family members, and loved ones may fall victim to the sinister preparations of Pickle Smoochers fans for tomorrow’s big game. Don’t let them go through this alone. We must stand vigilant and check in.
Pickle Smoochers fans are not like us. They don’t prepare with the same level of decency or respect for tradition. No, they spend this night like a cult preparing for a ritualistic sacrifice. They’ll be sitting in their dimly lit basements, staring at old photos of obscure players who wore their hideously ugly blue and white jerseys in some forgotten year. They’ll be rehearsing lines like “Pickle Smoochers is the only real team in Nebraska” and “It’s cute that Nebraska still cares about football.” They are setting themselves up to be unbearable tomorrow—and we need to make sure they haven’t gone too far down the rabbit hole tonight.
We all know the signs. If you’re at dinner with your family tonight and you see someone putting on a sweater vest for “just in case,” this is a red flag. If your brother-in-law suddenly starts mumbling something about “the best basketball program in Nebraska,” text him immediately. Ask if he’s okay. If your Aunt Kathy sends you a text with a picture of some “delicious chicken wings” she’s making while talking about how much better Pickle Smoochers’s fanbase is than Nebraska’s, you need to intervene. This is not normal behavior.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to act. We can’t risk having another Husker fan collapse under the weight of this blue-and-white madness. You don’t want to be the one who didn’t ask the tough questions tonight. Call your loved ones. Ask how they’re feeling.
Look, I know it's tough. Pickle Smoochers fans are relentless. They’ll act all polite at first, maybe even offer you a beer while they pretend to be “neutral.” But deep down, they want to destroy us. Their smugness knows no bounds. They’ll claim that “Nebraska’s basketball program is cute” while they adjust their tiny, overpriced glasses and stare down their noses at you.
So tonight, check on your friends and family. Make sure they’re not quietly planning their own escape to a Pickle Smoochers tailgate, making excuses like, “I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.” It’s not too late to help them reclaim their dignity before it’s too late. Together, we can stop the madness—one phone call at a time.
Stay strong, Husker Nation. Tomorrow, we rise. But tonight, we must stand together.
Pickle Smoochers fans are not like us. They don’t prepare with the same level of decency or respect for tradition. No, they spend this night like a cult preparing for a ritualistic sacrifice. They’ll be sitting in their dimly lit basements, staring at old photos of obscure players who wore their hideously ugly blue and white jerseys in some forgotten year. They’ll be rehearsing lines like “Pickle Smoochers is the only real team in Nebraska” and “It’s cute that Nebraska still cares about football.” They are setting themselves up to be unbearable tomorrow—and we need to make sure they haven’t gone too far down the rabbit hole tonight.
We all know the signs. If you’re at dinner with your family tonight and you see someone putting on a sweater vest for “just in case,” this is a red flag. If your brother-in-law suddenly starts mumbling something about “the best basketball program in Nebraska,” text him immediately. Ask if he’s okay. If your Aunt Kathy sends you a text with a picture of some “delicious chicken wings” she’s making while talking about how much better Pickle Smoochers’s fanbase is than Nebraska’s, you need to intervene. This is not normal behavior.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to act. We can’t risk having another Husker fan collapse under the weight of this blue-and-white madness. You don’t want to be the one who didn’t ask the tough questions tonight. Call your loved ones. Ask how they’re feeling.
Look, I know it's tough. Pickle Smoochers fans are relentless. They’ll act all polite at first, maybe even offer you a beer while they pretend to be “neutral.” But deep down, they want to destroy us. Their smugness knows no bounds. They’ll claim that “Nebraska’s basketball program is cute” while they adjust their tiny, overpriced glasses and stare down their noses at you.
So tonight, check on your friends and family. Make sure they’re not quietly planning their own escape to a Pickle Smoochers tailgate, making excuses like, “I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.” It’s not too late to help them reclaim their dignity before it’s too late. Together, we can stop the madness—one phone call at a time.
Stay strong, Husker Nation. Tomorrow, we rise. But tonight, we must stand together.
